In the Comfort of Her Arms
by PigeonChicks
Summary: Update: With the secret of Hermione's pregnancy out, what her future hold? Can she make it on her own? Or can the love of Ginny and the support of her friends help her through.
1. Chapter 1

Hermione took a deep, steadying breath and clamped her arms firmly by her side to stop them from trembling. She inclined her head, giving her serious look even more weight underneath her delicately arching eyebrows.

"Ron…" She paused and then started again. "Ronald….Ronathan." She had to stop and turn away. "Merlin, I can't do this."

"Can't do what?" A chipper voice called out from behind.

"RON!" She yelped, whirling around in surprise and alarm.

The confession had been impossible to make to her stern and serious reflection in the mirror, but it was all the more impossible before Ron's vacant, simple smile.

"What'cha doin' Hermione?"

"Oh…Um. Just…practicing my swish and flick in front of this mirror." Hermione gave a half-hearted smile.

He swaggered up to her, turned her around, and wrapped his arms around her shoulders, pulling her close.

"I'm still remembering the swish and flick practice from last night." He whispered breathily into her ear and she flinched at the horrid innuendo.

"Ron, there's something I-"

"I mean when we had sex." He clarified, mistaking her look for one of confusion.

"Ron!" She suddenly burst out crying.

"Whoa," He turned her around, looking deep into her eyes in a concern born of love. "Hermione, what's wrong?"

"Ron." She couldn't get anything out past her desperate heaving sobs.

He pulled her into a deep comforting hug and stroked her hair, looking concerned.

"Did you get another A- on a test? I told you, Hermione, you're already perfect. You don't need some dusty, sterile professor and a piece of paper to tell you what I've known all along."

"Ron…it's not that." She took a deep breath, hardly soothed by his ministrations because she knew how much what she said next would hurt him. "I'm…pregnant!" She spat the word out as quickly as she could in the futile hope that its impact would be lessened.

"What?" He stopped stroking her hair abruptly.

She nodded her head, too consumed by emotion to speak.

"But that's not possible! You have to be married to have children." Ron turned her around and she could barely meet his searching, panicked eyes.

"Wait, what?" She frowned.

"Only married couples can have babies." He repeated. "You must be mistaken."

"Ron, it's…it's been about two months since I last…rode the red broomstick." Hermione looked down.

"What?"

"And I cast the _accio pregnancy test_ spell…it's 100% accurate." She swallowed, starting to tremble violently.

"I don't understand how this could have happened!" Ron looked around wildly.

She put a hand to her temples and sighed.

"Remember when we had _sex_, Ron? _That's_ how it happened." Hermione spoke clearly.

"But I thought that babies came from the baby gremlins!" Ron was so very, very confused.

"RON, were you even using a condom?" Hermione gave him an angry look of horror.

"A what?"

"A rubber? Didn't I ask you if you had one? And you said "yes", remember?" Her voice was going shrill with panic and rage.

"Yeah, right here." He held up a rubber eraser.

"Why would I want that?" She screeched, pointing at it.

"I was a little confused myself. I figured it was either in case you made a mistake, or that school supplies were a turn-on for you." Ron scratched his head.

Hermione was unable to speak for several moments.

"You mean to tell me," she began in a quiet, shaking voice, "that I was having unprotected sex with you THIS WHOLE TIME?" She finished with a resonant yell.

"Yes?" Ron responded, covering his head in fear. His looks were all he had going for him.

Hermione took some deep breaths in an attempt to stop herself from passing out due to hyperventilation.

"Okay. Forget about that for now. We need to figure out what we're going to do about this." Hermione closed her eyes, feeling slightly unwell.

Ron's eyes darted wildly around the room. How could he have fathered something? He had been so certain that the many times Fred and George had used his crotch for rugby practice had left him unable to conceive. He'd been counting on those baby gremlins, which apparently didn't exist.

"I don't know!" Ron felt a cold, icy terror welling up inside of him. "Can't we just give the pregnancy to someone else?"

"Contrary to what the muggle medical community would have you believe, it's not a _disease_ Ron! And unless someone else is having teen-tastic sex, it isn't contagious!" She was beginning to make violent hand gestures.

"But…I don't want a baby! I'm not ready." Ron felt a strange ringing in his ears.

"You think I am?" Hermione looked hurt and furious all at once. "I had dreams, you know! I'm the fucking smartest person in Hogwarts ever!"

"Hermione, I don't think you should exaggerate like that-"

"HERE!" Hermione whipped out a book and pointed to a page. "It says so in _Hogwarts: A History_!"

Ron leaned in close, "Well fuck me."

"I ALREADY DID!" Hermione burst into tears again. "That's what got us into this mess."

"You don't have to yell at me. We're in this together." Ron tried to calm her down.

"What do we do?" Hermione sobbed into her open hands.

Ron, feeling some tears trickling down his cheeks, pulled her against his chest.

"Okay, here's what we do." His mind was working faster than it was used to, "We'll keep everything under wraps for now, and once it's born we'll give it to Hagrid."

"WHAT?" Hermione pulled back, looking at him horror.

"Think about it: He has no children of his own and he _loves_ orphans. And no woman, not even that scary giantess Madame Olympe, will touch him! He doesn't even have to know it's from us. We'll just leave it on his doorstep. He'll be so happy." Ron's brain had apparently broken under the strain of thinking under pressure.

"Ron, this would be much, much harder to say if you were any smarter than you are." Hermione stressed each word, practically fuming, "But I think I'd be better off doing this without you!"

She whirled away from him and bolted from the room, sobbing loudly.

"Well that's a relief." Ron sighed. "Are we still on for next Sunday, then?"

* * *

Hermione could barely see where she was going. Her vision was swimming with tears and her unsettled state of mind made her dizzy with panic. How could this happen? She wasn't ready for this! And Ron was apparently an unsuitable partner. What was she to do? Who could she turn to? Who could she talk to? She rounded a corner, barely missing colliding with the wall, only to careen into some unknown person.

"Oof!"

She went flying and the person fell over. Landing in a heap, Hermione heard the person stand up behind her.

"Miss Granger, I've told you a thousand times that chess club marathons aren't worth the safety risk you pose to yourself and others as you run like a gibbled zebra down the halls." Came that unmistakable, sour voice.

She sat up slowly, trying to hide her face behind her hair by looking down at the floor.

"The least you could do is apologize to me!" She could hear the sneer in his voice. "And look at people when they're talking to you! Ten points from Gryffindor."

She remained still, not speaking and beginning to shake again. Snape felt a twinge of unease. This wasn't how she usually behaved when he was being an asshole.

"Miss Granger?" He asked, his voice softer than before.

When she failed to respond again, he knelt down next to her to try to see if she was injured from the accident that was clearly her fault. He was such a nice guy.

"Miss Granger?" He asked again.

Her head whipped up and she stared at him with wild, tear-filled eyes. He flinched at the visible sign of emotion. Why did he bother?

"Well…I can see that you are very…crying right now." He began awkwardly. "Are you injured?" He wished desperately to run away. "Shall I assist you to the infirmary?"

"No." Her voice was shaky and barely above a whisper, but still she stared at him with those horrible, intense eyes.

"Ah. Okay then. Uh…is anything…the matter?" He knew that he would regret doing this.

"I'm fine, thanks." It was like she was looking past or through him.

"Clearly you are not." He began slowly, really, really not wanting to be the good guy here. He steeled himself before asking the next horrible question. "What's wrong?"

She stopped, looked at him again, and then her eyes welled up with even more tears.

_Fuck_.

"Oh, professor!" She sobbed, tears continuing to stream from her swollen eyes down her cheeks. "I'm…I'm…pregnant!" She collapsed into a pile of rampant emotion on the floor, heaving with each labored breath.

"Oh." Snape looked downcast. "Well, then that's your fault." He stood up. "Twenty points from Gryffindor." He left.

Hermione laid there sobbing, unaware of how much time had passed. It could have been minutes, it could have been hours. It was certainly long enough for the house elves to appear and start mopping up the manifestation of her grief for her former self. Once she had cried all that she could, Hermione picked herself up off the ground and staggered toward the only place she could consider home.

* * *

"Isn't it wonderful, Ginny!" Harry clasped her hands in his, green eyes shining bright with painful excitement.

"Yes, dear." Ginny tried to force a smile onto her face.

"If we can solve this puzzle, then the secret of Gryffindor's orientation will be revealed. I mean, it's been bugging me for a while now. Was he a cat person, or a dog person?"

Ginny rolled her eyes. "He's a dead person. Does it really matter?"

"So long as he's alive in our hearts." Harry put a hand passionately to his chest.

"That still doesn't excuse you yelling out his name when we're making out." Ginny growled.

"You promised you wouldn't bring that up any more!" Harry looked shocked.

"And _you_ promised no more gay puzzles!" Ginny glared at him.

"But-"

The portrait swung open and the two looked up in hopes of a distraction. Their hopes were rewarded.

Hermione's hair was even more matted and tangled than usual and her uniform was askew. Her eyes were swollen and red and the streaks down her cheeks revealed that she had been crying for some time.

"Hermione!" Harry and Ginny gasped.

Harry bounded up to her and put his hand on her shoulder.

"Are you okay?"

She shook her head and Harry helped her to sit down on the couch. Ginny quickly sat down next to her and started to rub her back. After a few tense moments of silence, Hermione finally spoke.

"Ron." Her voice was hoarse.

"What?" Harry looked alarmed, fearing Ron had somehow died.

Hermione cleared her throat and spoke in a voice that sounded more like her own, only a little more tired.

"You should go see Ron. I think he needs you right now."

Harry had no intention of leaving Hermione in this state, but felt a wave of concern for his bosom buddy Ron. He looked at Ginny desperately, unsure of what to do.

"Go find Ron, Harry, I'll look after Hermione." She gave him that steady reliable look that he had grown to love and admire.

He nodded firmly and sprinted from the common room. Ginny turned to Hermione, trying to look her in the eyes.

"What happened? Did you break up with him?" She continued rubbing Hermione's back, trying to find some answers.

Hermione shook her head.

"He didn't break up with _you_ did he? That hardly seems like him. Maybe it was a bogart. He _loves_ you!"

Hermione shook her head again and started shaking.

"Hermione what's…" Her eyes widened. "Oh."

Hermione burst out crying again and Ginny pulled her into a hug.

"Hey, it's okay. Calm down." She rocked Hermione back and forth in a soothing way.

"I…I knew after it had been two months." Her voice was laden with agony. "Your brother's such a retard." She resumed sobbing.

"I know, I know. I was surprised that you guys lasted this long. How did he take it? You _have_ told him, right?" Ginny pried.

"Yes." Hermione's voice suddenly sounded hard. "He suggested that we leave it on Hagrid's doorstep."

"What? He can barely take care of that stupid dog. Most of his pets go and live in the forest!" Ginny looked horrified.

"And then I ran off, yelling, 'I'll be better off doing it by myself!' and he said, 'That's a relief'." Hermione bitterly reported.

Ginny could think of nothing to say in response to this. She knew her brother was stupid, but that was just insensitive.

"I need something else to talk about." Hermione moaned, "I just can't think about it now. It's too much to deal with. How are things with you and Harry? I'm sorry if I interrupted an intimate moment."

"I wish." Ginny rolled her eyes.

"What?"

Ginny gave a heavy sigh and massaged the bridge of her nose.

"He was off to solve the mystery of whether Godric Gryffindor was a cat person or a dog person via some stupid puzzle. Where does he even keep finding those things?" Hermione didn't fail to miss an edge of desperation in Ginny's voice.

"But other than that, are things…" Ginny shook her head. "Oh."

"We've only made love once! And he crymaxed." She gave a frustrated sigh. "It was like making love to a sobbing pillow: unsatisfying and laden with guilt. He hasn't touched me since and won't let me bring it up. It's not healthy! You should be able to talk about these things in a relationship!"

"I know what you mean." Hermione sighed. "It's hard enough to bring things up with Ron, but getting an intelligent or non-deviant response is nigh impossible. And it's not even like the sex is satisfying!" Ginny flinched, but said nothing. "As soon as he's done it's game over for the evening…and that takes about five minutes. It totally wasn't worth getting pregnant. Fuck, if I'd known this was going to happen, I would have taken Draco up on his offer to be friends with benefits."

"Ew." Ginny couldn't help but be repulsed at Hermione's taste in men.

"Maybe I should just give up men altogether. Clearly they aren't working out for me." She stared off into the distance.

Ginny continued rubbing Hermione's back and laughed. It was a bubbly, tinkling sound like magic wind chimes.

"Well, I can't say that my taste in men is much better. It's kind of slim pickings at Hogwarts." She gave a wry smile. "Maybe we should switch teams."

Hermione looked at Ginny, expecting as Ginny was that the two would erupt in a laughter of camaraderie. But when their eyes met, a strange feeling blossomed. Both were taken aback and surprised by this.

"What-" Hermione started to speak, but Ginny leaned forward and kissed her.

Hermione didn't pull away. As their kiss deepened and intensified all doubts and fears melted away into a steamy volcano of passion. The rest of their secret tryst was witnessed by none…save for the portrait above the fireplace, and he wasn't about to ruin his only source of girl on girl action by saying anything. Hermione remained silent as well, unable to voice any doubts in the face of something that felt so right.


	2. Chapter 2

In the early light of dawn, the birds of Hogwarts began to sing a cheerful Fugue. As the merry sun climbed ever higher in its pointlessly cyclical journey, its golden rays of warmth flitted through the open window to gently caress the sleeping faces within like the perv it was. Ginny, her hair flaming in the illumination, stretched out languidly with a luxurious yawn. She rolled over and put her arm over the sleeping form next to her. Hermione stirred, and slowly woke up. She turned to the flaming red head next to her and had a moment of surprise when she realized that it wasn't Ron. Remembering the events of the precious night, she gave a shy, conflicted smile to Ginny. Ginny's face fell a bit,

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong." Hermione answered honestly, "I'm just a little confused. I mean, last was a wonderful contrast to my previous sexual experiences (which makes me realize that, despite his claims, it wasn't really genetic)."

"I _know_! It was amazing!" Ginny sat up enthusiastically. "I mean, I never thought about…being with a girl before, but I was never really attracted to boys."

"But Harry-"

"I think maybe I was trying to be attracted to him, and that my feelings of admiration for him after he rescued me from the basilisk were strong enough to make me think that maybe I loved him. But I've never enjoyed being with him as much as I've enjoyed hanging out with you, and after this I know that I'm really not into men." Ginny was glowing with the joy of finally understanding an important part of herself.

"Oh." Hermione looked down at the sheets.

Ginny's face fell again.

"What, "Oh"? You can't tell me you didn't enjoy it too. I think what our neighbours heard last night points quite to the contrary." Ginny gestured to the other girls who shared their dorm, all of whom were pretending to be asleep while quaking from the shell shock of being exposed to the notion of sex (they were very sheltered despite their age). Public living was really inconvenient for Hogwarts' students, but by the time they were seventh years they'd be able to tune it out.

"No, I definitely enjoyed the sex… just now I'm confused." Hermione looked pensive.

"What's there to be confused about? It was a life-altering moment of rightness!" Ginny was also starting to look pensive. "Did it really not mean the same thing to you?"

"I don't know what it meant to me…I don't know what I feel. There's just, so much going on and it all happened so fast! I'm sorry, I just don't know what else to say." Hermione couldn't express the tumble of thoughts whirling through her mind, and found herself unusually speechless. She really didn't want to hurt Ginny…

"Oh…that's okay. I mean, you've got a lot going on right now. I guess for me the only big change is what happened last night…but for you it's that and the fact that you're carrying my brother's child. Which, now that I think about it, makes this situation really awkward." Ginny tried not to think about her brother having sex and instead focused on Hermione and what she needed right now, even though it hurt that she apparently didn't feel the same way.

"Hermione," Ginny began, "I understand that you need time to sort out your feelings because so much has happened in the past two days. Don't worry, I'm still your friend and I will still do my best to support you through this."

"Ginny," Hermione's voice caught in her throat. "I don't know what I'm going to do." Unbidden tears started to trickle down her face, "Adoption laws in wizarding society are so messed up…after seeing what happened to Harry, I-" She began to sob, unable to contain it any longer.

Ginny hugged Hermione and soothingly patted her back, trying to be a source of strength despite the twisting in her own stomach.

* * *

Excusing herself from class early, Hermione sat in the library being soothed by the comfort of dusty, smelly books. They smelled like people's touching hands, and this made her calm. The idea that hundreds before her and hundreds after her had and would come in search of knowledge briefly gave her the illusion that her problems weren't so big after all. But she knew as soon as she left the library, it would all come crashing down on her again.

"Hermione?" Ron's gently calling voice ruined the illusion earlier than necessary.

She turned to see Harry standing supportively next to a nervous Ron.

"Listen Hermione, I've been thinking. And I'm sorry about what I said before. I'm just really scared about this whole thing, too." He sighed, trying to steady himself, "Like I said, I've been doing a lot of thinking and I'd like to stay with you – also in the biblical sense – and help you through this. It's my baby, too."

"We're all with you in support of your magical bastard." Harry gave her a little hug and Hermione couldn't help but laugh at his asshole joke.

"Thank you." She was getting a little teary again. "I'm really going to need a lot of support. But Ron, there's something I need to talk to you about." Ron and Harry leaned forward expectantly. "_Alone_." Harry looked disappointed.

Harry stood behind a different stack of books and pretended to look at stuff while still obviously eavesdropping. Hermione didn't care, she only needed the semblance of privacy.

"Ron, I'm happy that you want to help me and I want you to be in this child's life as its father. But I think we should go back to being just friends." Her eyes were so full of tears.

"What? Why?" He was taken aback and hurt all at once. "I said I was sorry about before and I meant it!"

"I know. But things happen, and my feelings have changed. All it took was the counsel of old book smell to make me realize that, although I truly love you, you aren't right for me. And…I…I think I might be in love with someone else." Her confession came tumbling out in her attempts to get it over with. She couldn't bear to have it hanging over her anymore.

There was a small, childish gasp from behind the other pile of books.

"Someone else? You've been cheating on me?" Ron's eyes were full of hurt.

"It just sort of happened…and it wasn't technically cheating since I had just dumped you." Hermione inadvertently added insult to injury.

"That's awfully quick considering how long we've been going out!" Ron covered his tender feelings with anger, "How do I know that's even mine!" He pointed at her belly accusingly.

"You're the only man I've ever been with!" Hermione cried, hurt by his hurt and the hurt he was now hurting her with.

"But you just said-"

"It was **your sister**!" Hermione yelled, the tears flowing yet again. Then her eyes widened and she clapped a hand over her mouth.

Harry poked his head from around the pile of books.

"Wait, what?"

Ron's mouth was agape, completely numb with shock. But only his mouth. The rest of him did the Charleston Shuffle, causing his mouth to flap eerily.

Hermione stopped crying and she and Harry stared at him in concern. After some time, Hermione tried to put an end to his ghastly dancing.

"I'm sorry, both of you. We never meant to hurt you. I hope in time you can forgive us." Hermione didn't expect them to recover from this seeming betrayal anytime soon, so she stood. "I think I should give you some time. I also have some things that I need to say to Ginny."

Ron's mouth snapped back into place and the dancing stopped.

"Did you tell her that you've been cheating on her…with _me_?"

"That doesn't even make sense. Goodbye, Ron." Hermione ran as fast as she could from the awkward situation in the library.

Ron reached out haltingly after her and then she was gone. Turning around and slightly pale, he sat down heavily in the library chair, causing a wave of dust to rise into the air.

"EASY ON THOSE CHAIRS, YOU WHELP!" Madame Prince screamed before vanishing once again into the darkened abyss.

"I just can't believe it! How could they do this to us!" Ron buried his head in his hands.

"Yeah. How could they." Harry looked off to the side in disinterest, not trying very hard to sound like he meant it.

"I mean, Hermione! And my _own sister_! She always did get the best stuff because she was the only girl, and now she's got Hermione too!"

"I don't think it works that way, my dear, simple Ron." Harry sighed.

"I loved her when she was buck-toothed…which was always!" Ron started to cry manly tears into his robe sleeves.

Harry put his hand on Ron's back.

"Hey man, don't take it so hard. You've gotta move on. I have." He offered his paltry comfort.

"It's been, like, _five minutes_! And your girlfriend was **actually** cheating on you!" Ron looked up at Harry in disbelief.

Harry shrugged, "Yeah, I guess so."

It was then that Ron truly understood the raw power contained within The Boy Who Lived.

"You're so strong, mate. I feel like I've been crushed by a hippogriff." Ron looked so endearingly childish with his watery eyes, like a child who had scraped his knee.

Harry smiled, slightly deluded and completely insensitive.

"You know what I think might make you feel better?" Harry prompted. "Revenge."

"Harry, I don't want to hurt either of them!" Ron looked appalled.

"No, no, no, I mean mind games. Like jealousy." He smiled winningly.

Ron looked down at the floor, "I don't think I could even think about touching another woman right now. Besides, you know how long it took me to woo Hermione. And she didn't have standards."

"No, I meant give them a taste of their own medicine!"

Ron stared at him blankly. "Where are we going to find two other lesbians in the school to make them jealous? Homosexuality is too repressed and I don't think Seamus and Dean would make them jealous at all."

"No, I mean we'll make them jealous with our happiness." Harry raised his eyebrow suggestively and seductively.

"What?" His face was completely blank, which Harry loved.

"I'll just come out and say it, then. I mean you and me. Right here, right now. I've been thinking about it a lot, and I think it's for the best."

"Just when have you been thinking about it?" Ron leapt to his feet in surprise, knocking the chair back.

"Oh…since Hermione confessed that stuff she did." Harry tried to make it seem like it hadn't been for years. He'd been dating Ginny, assuming she'd be like a female Ron. He was wrong. He was honestly just relieved that their relationship was over.

"I don't know, Harry…" Ron looked exceedingly nervous. "It's all well and good for Seamus and Dean…and while you're a stunningly handsome guy-"

"So you admit you're attracted to me!" The horrible beast of a literary device that signifies Harry's sex drive gave a growl of happiness.

"What was that?" Ron was alarmed at the sound.

"That just happens sometimes. I'm not sure why." Harry was monumentally embarrassed.

This show of sensitivity suddenly moved Ron. He'd never seen that Harry could be vulnerable because he was kind of a sociopath.

"Hey, it's okay. Plenty of children's fiction characters have stupid shit written about them all the time." Ron put a comforting hand on Harry's shoulder.

"Not like this, Ron!" Harry turned away in anger. "Do you know how it feels? To know that everyone can hear when I'm attracted to someone! FUCK! One time it went off during Professor Trelawney's class! _Professor Trelawney_!"

"That _is_ worse than erections." Ron suddenly felt blessed by comparison.

"Harry, your embarrassment over this matter suddenly humanizes you to me." Ron blurted out.

"Really?" Harry tried to make it look like he hadn't planned the whole thing.

"Yes." Ron admitted, "And I find you handsome. But I'm from a large family with a scary mother."

"I know." Harry put a shushing finger on Ron's lips. "She scares me too."

"Harry!" Ron gasped as Harry pushed him again the table and kissed him full on the mouth. "You've had chips for breakfast? That's not healthy."

"I love it when you're stupid – which is always." Harry sighed, kissing him again.

This time, Ron kissed back and, in a fishing metaphor, Harry knew that he had landed the big one.

"My white whale." He sighed dreamily.

"Harry, I'm nervous. I've never…been with a man." Ron was slightly flush.

"Neither have I." Harry said confidently.

"Oh."

Harry leaned forward, going in for the kill. He raised an eyebrow,

"Engorgio."

"Oh, Harry! Truly you are The Boy Who Loved!" Ron yelled.

And Madame Prince watched silently from the shadows, a small smile creeping about her face. It was exactly as her fanfiction had foretold. She totally shipped those two. And she barely moved or made a sound as they consummated their bromance.


	3. Chapter 3

Ginny was having a difficult time maintaining her calm. Hermione hadn't given her any kind of final answer, and Ginny was not finding a great deal of Zen-like patience as she waited for a response. She lined up some aluminium cans, which had previously contained Sidney's Syphilis-Free Cider, on an old picket fence that demarcated the border between Hogwarts' grounds and the Forbidden Forest. Ginny then proceeded to blast her helpless targets with powerful rage magic.

With the smoking wreckage she left behind, one could only wonder what the cans had done to deserve such overkill. Alas, they were tragic victims caught in the wrong place at the wrong time.

"I should have used that one curse that makes 'em bleed!" Ginny narrowed her eyes in hatred, spitting roughly into a copse of bushes.

"Ginerva? Ginerva are you there? I swear that's your hideous name and I'm not making it up." Hermione held up the Wikipedia page on her iPhone.

"That name haunts me." Ginny's face folded up like a lemon.

"I know! I totally thought your name was Virginia for the last six years." Hermione laughed nervously.

"My Mom shouldn't have dropped so much acid after Fred and George…although I guess I can't blame her." Ginny sighed. "Maybe when I'm an old lesbian spinster I'll go by my full name, but right now I'm far too hot for that shit."

"Although you seem slightly out of character at the moment, I actually have something along those lines to discuss with you…" Hermione's voice trailed off nervously.

Draco Malfoy, who had been following Hermione after receiving an anonymous tip of juicy, juicy x-rated gossip, suddenly found that he could no longer restrain himself. He popped up from the bush he had been hiding him and virtually exploded,

"I thought it was short for **Ginger**! Because you're a ginger!" He burst out laughing.

"Then it would be GINGY!" Ginny screamed, decking him good in the face. "My, that feels much better." She exited her hard-boiled persona as Malfoy entered the land of the unconscious concussion victims.

"Are you alright?" Hermione looked nervous, painfully aware that her looks couldn't afford to suffer any more than they already did.

"I had a lot of stress built up from everything. It wasn't exactly easy to admit that I like other women, and while it was wrong of me to expect you'd feel _exactly_ the same way, I kind of thought your sleeping with me would have indicated something along those lines." Ginny tried very hard to keep venom out of her words, but she was still very hurt.

"I was really confused, Ginny. I didn't understand why it meant something different to both of us. I think I know now: for you it was releasing yourself from the lie that you had been living. But for me…it was more confusing. It didn't change my feelings about Ron and I didn't realize that I had been trying to fool myself and others. I just realized that I also can have feelings for a woman."

"Oh…" Ginny felt kind of awkward.

"Ginny, I think I'm bisexual." Hermione finally laid it out in the open.

Ginny was a little shocked because she'd been looking at the whole situation in more simplistic terms. She had assumed their tryst had meant that Hermione was also a lesbian. She briefly started to consider the ramifications that might come of this, but then realized that that wasn't the issue at all. Finally clear, she looked intensely at Hermione.

"That doesn't really matter to me. What I need to know and what is driving me crazy is how you feel about us. About me."

"Well…" Hermione looked down and blushed, "I want to ride you like a hippogriff."

"Hot damn!" Ginny staggered back, overjoyed.

"Also, I really do think that I could fall in love with you. I really want to give us a try. Fuck your brother." Hermione confessed her potential love.

"You already did!" Ginny laughed.

Hermione laughed as well and, arm in arm, they headed back to the dormitory to provide the portrait with some more entertainment.

* * *

Harry and Ron were nestled in a nest made of books in some forgotten corner of the library. Forgotten by all except for Madame Prince, but now that the hard stuff was over she had no interest in watching the girly parts. Thus, she had left to go and file her books of troll crochet patterns. Harry and Ron were in various stages of undress, and what they were wearing was somewhat askew.

"Harry," Ron rolled onto his side, breathing heavily from the exertion, "you're my "best mate". A side of the nest caved in, tastefully covering his manhood.

"Oh, I know." Harry smiled impishly. "And I'm the "best mate" you'll ever have. Let's just say I've heard complaints from both Dean _and_ Seamus."

"That's sad." Ron frowned. "I'm glad _we_ don't have that problem, Harry."

Harry also frowned.

"What do you mean "we"?"

"Oh." Ron felt his insides go cold. "I'm sorry…I didn't…I mean, It guess it was presumptuous of me to assume that you weren't a whore and wanted a relationship from this."

Harry knew he was too stupid to be making a jab on purpose.

"Ah, I was just fucking with you!" Harry laughed.

"Oh, thank Merlin." Ron relaxed, feeling mightily relieved.

"And I'm about to continue," He sexily raised an eyebrow and leapt at Ron, preparing to get his freak on yet again.

Madame Prince silently sobbed, in the midst of helping a student and realizing that it would be too late by the time she returned to the nest for her sneak peek. Damn them.

* * *

"Well, I know this hasn't been easy since there are probably still hurt feelings in the room." Harry began, really not caring.

"Not really feelings, Harry dear, just wasted time." Ginny muttered under her breath, leaning against Hermione.

"Right." Harry unsuccessfully pretended not to hear.

"Hermione!" Ron started sobbing. "I-I-I-"

"What is it Ron?" Hermione looked vaguely alarmed.

"I slept with Harryyyyyy!"

"Um." Hermione looked uncomfortable.

"Well, I was hoping to approach it more delicately than that, _Ron_." Harry gave him a quick and pointed glance.

"He's your problem now." Hermione said quickly before Harry could change his mind.

"Speaking of problems, I've called this meeting so that we can discuss the one that united us all." Harry gave Hermione a pointed glance.

"Wha-" Hermione inhaled sharply and then look furious. "My baby is NOT a problem! It's a blessing!"

"I didn't mean that." Harry insincerely backed off while thinking that Hermione probably needed to keep telling herself that to get through the day. That's why he was an asshole.

"I'm excited for the baby!" Ron perked up. "I still want to help, since it is my son or daughter."

"I'm excited to have a neice-daughter. Only five of the Weasleys can boast that accomplishment." Ginny mused, assuming for some reason that the baby was a girl.

"I'd like to help out as well, both because of my lovely Ronald here and also because I can easily ride my fame roller coaster to help the baby out financially." Harry offered.

"I'll help Hermione out of _love_." Ginny gave Harry an irritated look.

"Love don't buy diapers." Harry retorted.

"FUCK! What did I see in you?" Ginny was continuing to wrestle with the feeling that she had been severely cheated in her previous relationship. Despite the fact that she was the one who had done the cheating. "Were you always this much of a jerk?"

Harry shrugged, "Probably. I feel like I can be myself now. I don't need to play 'The Boy Who Lived' for Ron to accept me."

"I think we're all getting a little sidetracked into various domestic squabbles." Hermione piped up, conveniently ignoring her own contributions. "I'm very touched that you're all willing to help with my baby. They say that it takes an entire village to raise a child, and I'm seeing now that this is certainly true. Why-"

Hermione was interrupted by a hand clapping down on her shoulder. She jumped in her seat and screamed.

Everyone turned to behold…DUMBLEDORE.

"What's this I hear about a baby?" He asked the assembled group with a severe expression on his face.


	4. Chapter 4

Snape was lounging in the staff room, sipping a cup of coffee trying to surreptitiously add a mysterious clear, vodka-smelling liquid from a small hip flask when he thought that no one was looking.

"Speaking of over-achievers, have you heard the rumors about our own Miss Granger?" Madame Sprout, ever the gossipy bitch, practically shook with excitement because her goddman plants made her so boring. She got her thrills from the drama of other's lives.

"Miss Granger is ten times the witch you'll ever be." Professor McGonagall gave Madame Sprout a sharp glance, secretly hurt that no one had exciting rumors to spread about her.

"Can it, you cow face! I'm talking to Professor Flitwick." Madame Sprout carefully pulled her blouse slightly lower and batted her eyelashes in the tiny professor's direction.

Professor Flitwick, struggling to keep his head above the table by balancing on a pile of books and coffee mugs, gave Snape a knowing thumbs up. That love potion he'd asked for was working wonders – Snape was also pleased with his end of the bargain. Ideally they'd never find the bodies.

"So Pomona, you were saying before you were _rudely_ interrupted by an ugly old hag…" He prompted her.

"Word on the cobblestone street is that Miss Granger is preggaroni!" She tittered.

"She transfigured herself into some kind of pasta?" Professor Flitwick was not up to date on the latest slang…nor was Madame Sprout.

"I think what my insensitive colleague is trying to say is that she has a wizard bun in the coven." Professor McGonagall glared at the two. "Wait, what?" Professor McGonagall was shocked once she had processed the information. How could Hermione not tell her? After she had confided in her student that she had a huge box full of baby clothes rotting in her closet that she had kept even after she realized that no one would ever love her. "That bitch." She seethed inaudibly.

"What?" Snape looked up disinterestedly from his coffee. "People all _still_ talking about that?"

"You _knew_ about this, Severus?" McGonagall stared at him in disbelief.

Snape shrugged. "Yeah. She was crying or something. I was kind of busy."

"She went to _you_ for help?" McGonagall felt faint.

Snape decided to make things worse.

"Of course. I was the first person that she ran to, crying out her little muggle-born eyes."

Professor McGonagall narrowed her eyes suspiciously.

"Then who's the father?"

"Um…" Snape was starting to wish he'd paid more attention. "It was…it was…Potter!" He finally spat. "It's _always_ Potter. Just like him to leave some poor girl in tears."

"I never would have believed it." Professor McGonagall looked down sadly. "Ten points from Gryffindor."

"I think Hermione will be a great mother!" Professor Sprout giggled.

"She's seventeen." Snape gave her a scathing look.

Professor Flitwick flinched under Snape and McGonagall's judgmental gazes in the face of his taste in women.

"Eh…where's Albus?" He offered at length.

"Oh, he said that he had some errands to run." Professor Sprout grinned vapidly at the ceiling.

* * *

The four froze in the face of Dumbledore's steely gaze. There was a pregnant silence. It gave birth to Ron's quaking voice.

"We didn't say _baby_…we said _maybe_." He said quickly. Too quickly.

"You mean to tell me that Miss Granger is overjoyed that you shall all help her raise her 'maybe'?"

"How long were you listening to our conversation?" Ginny gave the headmaster an annoyed look, as she had grown hella balls.

Dumbledore winked. "Long enough." He tapped his nose.

"Uuhhh." Ron wailed numbly in falsetto. He wasn't even aware that he was making the noise.

"So I take it that Mr. Weasley is the father, then." Dumbledore noted and the sound issuing from Ron went up a further octave.

"Nothing gets by you, sir." Harry continued his tradition of ass kissing. It just helped him get through life so much easier.

"It's…it's true, sir." Hermione looked at the floor.

Dumbledore's look softened.

"Miss Granger," He put a comforting hand on her shoulder, "I heard about this from Severus. He really didn't handle the situation all that well and I wanted to make sure that you were doing okay. Please don't be ashamed – what happened is a natural part of life. Those of us around you who love you will offer our support so that you and your child can have the bright future that you deserve."

Hermione, stunned for a moment, burst out into tears and flung her arms around him. Dumbledore patted her back as she wailed,

"I promised myself that I would stop fucking crying all the time, but that was just so beautiful, sir."

Ginny, too, had a tear in her eye and her brother was conveniently staring at the wall behind him. Harry had a strange smile on his face, as he had stopped paying attention and was imagining fighting dragons for clues to puzzles. He just really liked puzzles.

"I think we ought to sit down and have a frank discussion about how to proceed." Dumbledore gestured and they all took a seat on the plush crimson furniture. Hermione took some steadying breaths and calmed down.

"Well, I've done some thinking and I don't want to give up my education." She began.

"Very good. I agree." Dumbledore smiled.

"So, while I'm going to school, Ron will stay at home and watch the baby. We'll support ourselves off of the money Harry makes whoring himself out to the media and corporate sponsorships. Ginny will invest her time learning to be a professional quidditch player so that she can support us all once Harry becomes old enough to have an unsightly, angular face and can't be shown on the cover of teen magazines anymore. Ginny, I believe in you. You're _amazin_g at quidditch."

"Aw, shucks." Ginny blushed.

"…I see. Well, while I applaud you for not wanting to give up your own education, I don't see how it's necessarily fair to do so at the cost of three people's futures. I mean, seriously…quidditch? You're banking on that? Do you know how many people actually make a career out of that? Twelve. For all of Britain."

"Oh." Hermione looked crestfallen. "I suppose you're right."

"And you, Harry and Ron, don't you have dreams? Things you want to accomplish in life?" Dumbledore implored the two.

"Heh heh…dragons." Harry laughed unnervingly.

"I can read at a grade six reading level…I always just figured that my family would support me, to be honest." Ron sighed.

"Well, I'm not letting any of you kids give up your education and futures! No child left behind – actually!"

"But then what about my baby?" Hermione brought them all back to square one. "Someone has to take care of it while we're in school."

"What about my mother?" Ginny started to suggest.

"NO!" Everyone responded.

"She has enough babies." Ron patted her on the shoulder.

"Well, Miss Granger, it may surprise you to know that you are not the first, nor the only student in this situation at Hogwarts. The previous headmasters instituted a transfer program to the Forbidden Forest in order to cover up the situation. The ensuing civilization in the woods is quite fascinating, but no real solution." He sighed.

"There are _people_ living in the Forbidden Forest?" Ron looked faint.

"Yes. Why did you think it was forbidden? We try to our best to hide the facts of life from you, otherwise your parents make everything a nightmare with their incessant complaints."

"Well…I'm glad you're not going to ship me off to the woods." Hermione felt indignant at the fate of pregnant couples before her.

"I've decided to start a daycare. I think it's time to re-integrate the wood people into our society and education system. Should you like, your child can go to daycare while you and your friends take classes. I'm also opening a new wing of the school to be used by young families so that they can receive the support they need. I must admit that I was disappointed at how little critical response I received from my muggle-loving ways. Hopefully my support of teen pregnancy instead of short-sighted contempt will evoke enough ire to make people think." Dumbledore then hummed the song for 'the more you know'.

"Well, I'm about to vomit silently in my mouth. How's about some puzzling? We've been talking about baby drama and feel good left wing solutions for way too long." Harry started paying attention again.

"This is true. And the genre for this fanfic _does_ say 'comedy' instead of 'feel good left wing', so I think it's time for an abrupt ending." Dumbledore effectively shattered the fourth wall and ruined whatever twisted remains were left of this story. "Let us all go and celebrate with a midnight snack, I'm feeling a mite peckish." He patted his sunken old man belly.

"Hooray~!" Everyone cheered.

And then the background blurred to indicate the passage of time, the lengths of which will become clear with the description that is to follow this sentence.

* * *

Although the child daycare plan for Hogwarts initially sparked much public outcry and accusations that Dumbledore was advocating pre-marital sex and pregnancy among teenagers, parents still sent their children to Hogwarts because that was just the thing to do. Also, critics were eventually forced to admit that abandoning pregnant couples in the woods was slightly more barbaric.

Hermione gave birth to a healthy baby girl who she and Ron named Azalea. All four pseudo-parents finished their education and moved on to successful careers. The four lived in a duplex – Hermione and Ginny inhabited the top floor while Ron and Harry the bottom.

Ron was overjoyed that he could greet his best friend and one true love everyday that Harry returned home from being a wizarding puzzlemaster. Harry would often bid and win many contracts to design security systems based on the very latest puzzles that he could come up with. To date, his puzzles were far too frightening and psychotic for anyone to ever break through. Despite the fact that they had no children together, biological or otherwise, Ron was a stay-at-home dad. He made spending money with a cat walking business of his own design. Because he was the only game in town, he did quite well for himself.

Out of spite over Dumbledore's comments, Ginny became one of the most successful, celebrated, and hot quidditch players ever. She was given several humanitarian awards for being openly gay, and sparked a revolution of tolerance. But only in professional sports. Hermione earned her post-doctorate in Theoretical Mathmagic, was the author of several little-read and award-winning books on the subject. She was also honorary speaker at the Magical Stripper's Association. Those women worked hard and deserved to be treated like human and humanoid beings.

And together, they raised the beautiful and joyful Azalea, who brought light into their lives. Their love for each other continued to bind them together into a child-raising collective the likes of which had never been seen. And so, by the time Azalea had graduated from the school, she was elected President of the World.

THE END


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